Our baby is a little boy... and we will meet him in heaven.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

"Wow that is a strong heartbeat". Only two weeks ago we were at the doctors office for my 12 week check up and the doctors words keep playing in my mind over and over again. "Now that you've reached 12 weeks your chance of miscarriage goes down to under 1%".

Fast forward two weeks. There is a new blood test on the market called the panorama test... it tests for all kinds of DNA/genetic disorders with baby. The reason we were so excited to do it was because it finds out the gender.

We were told the test takes about two weeks. After the first blood draw the lab came back and said there wasn't enough of baby's DNA in the blood to tell any results,  so they drew a second time.

It took three weeks for us to hear back the second time and we were calling the doctors office everyday. We wanted to know the gender of our baby.

On Friday we got a hold of a nurse and the results had finally come in. As she was reading the results silently to herself I knew something was wrong. 

"It looks like this baby could be at a  high risk of having some genetic problems... can I have the doctor call you back?"

My heart sunk to my stomach. After we hung up we were looking at all of the different genetic disorders the panorama blood test tests for. Down syndrome, trisomy 18.... there was a list of about 10 and they all had significant mental/physical problems.

The nurse called back in 10 minutes. "There are no doctors here available to talk, they were just called to labor and delivery. I didn't want you sitting in anxiety waiting for the next hour."

My husband Sam was talking to her, "Can you just tell us what is wrong with the baby?"

The nurse was silent for a moment,  "It looks like this baby could have trisomy 18."

Damnit.

I knew what trisomy 18 was. I worked on the mother baby floor and one of my patient's had a baby who had trisomy 18. The prognosis is terrible,  it's a more severe form of down syndrome and instead of mental delays the baby has severe physical abnormalities. 

So severe they are incompatible with life.If the baby lives until delivery it will only live at the most a couple hours after birth. 

Numb.That's all I felt. Numb. 

The nurse asked if we knew what trisomy 18 was and Sam replied that I too was a nurse and I knew what it was. The nurse talked to me and said the doctor would call us as soon as he was in. "I'm so sorry, Britney" she said. I had one more question, "What's the baby's gender?" 

I texted my parents and said, "Can you guys drive up here. Right now? We need to talk to you about something." I knew if I tried to call them I'd break down in tears and I didn't want them making the hour drive on that note. As soon as they got the message they both left work immediately and drove down here.

We told Sam's parents first. We told them that we needed to talk to them alone. When I walked in the door Louise could tell something was seriously wrong. I couldn't look her in the face because I would have just broken down. "Britney, Britney... you're worrying me. Britney youre worrying me. What is wrong?" She said as we walked into their bedroom.

"Well we have good news and bad news" Sam said to his parents once we were alone. "The good news is it's a boy"... "The bad news is he has trisomy 18 and he won't live for more than a couple hours after birth."

Tears welled up in my eyes. Louise started sobbing and hugged me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Sam breaking down as his dad hugged him. "I'm so sorry" Louise said through tears. "I can't imagine being told that." 

My parents showed up shortly after and we told them the prognosis as well. It's the worst seeing your parents cry. They just sat and listened as tears started to glaze over their eyes. My mom hugged me for a long time. "I'm so sorry".

We proceeded to tell everyone our plans. We would carry the baby to term, it was never a thought in our mind to induce early labor because we knew the baby wouldn't survive. I would let him grow in my stomach and once he was born we would provide comfort measures and let him pass away peacefully in my arms. 

We told our parents that we were glad he was sent to us because we feel like we are strong enough to handle the trial and we won't abort him just because of the diagnosis. I talked about how when I cared for the mom whose baby died from trisomy 18 she had left such a profound effect on me and how I left work that day thinking "I need to write about this in my journal." The way the parents of the baby with trisomy handled their baby dying was unlike anything I'd ever seen... they weren't tearful because they knew it would just be a short time until they saw him in heaven again. I talked about how me having that experience with that patient maybe made it so God trusted us enough with this little boy.

Sam talked about how sometimes heavenly father sends these babies to strong women like me because He knows that I will be able to handle the situation and love the little boy but I know that I'll see him in heaven again.

We went out to lunch with my parents and talked about how maybe this baby was sent to me because I will be able to help other people going through similar situations through my blog. Sort of inspire them.

We went into the doctors office that afternoon and he gave us a lot of the information we had already looked up online. Trisomy 18 usually occurs in girls and when it does happen in boys the physical abnormalities are even more severe. 50% of boys with trisomy 18 usually die within the second and third trimester and if they do live to be born they'll only live a couple hours at most.

I told the doctor that Thursday (yesterday) I had been having some sharp shooting pains and so I wanted to check on the baby to make sure everything was ok.

He took us back into the room and the doctor pressed the doppler up against my stomach ans we heard...

Nothing. We heard nothing. So we went back into the ultrasound room and they ultrasounded baby to look for the heart flutter and...

It wasn't there.

The baby had died.

By this time in the day I was numb to everything. I wasn't tearful. I looked at the baby on the ultrasound machine and I saw his little head, body, and arms. He looked cute. I loved him. I felt immense love for him. He was my son and always will be my son and I knew that I would be able to see him again and raise him in heaven.

When we walked out I called my mom and told her there wasn't a heartbeat anymore. She was at work and her voice just cracked through tears. "There's not?"

I told her that in the end we are glad that he passed away comfortably in his womb and that he didn't have to come into this world and struggle to breath and suffer for the short time that he would be on this earth.

What a wirlwind of a day. On the way to the doctors office we were talking about where we would bury our son and Sam carrying the casket with our son in it into his funeral.

And now we find out that he had already passed away.

Honestly, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do. I woke up this morning just feeling... numb. I think part of me thought I'd wake up and it was all just a dream... that it didn't actually happen. You never imagine these situations happening to you.

I mean, I imagined at some point in my life I would have a miscarriage but this wasn't just a miscarriage... it was a day that just kept on flipping on us before we could prepare ourselves. One thing, from another, to another.

I love my baby... and I'll see him again in heaven. We were ready for this baby... we bought a house with a room for him and I quit my job because I was going to be a momma of two. But this is life,  and sometimes these things happen and they are completely out of our control.

But when everything is spinning out of control there is one constant that we can grab onto and hold tight to, and it's our faith. And that one thing we can control is strengthening our faith.

Through all of this Sam gave me a blessing and it said many wonderful things in it but one of them was that this baby will be our angel watching over us and will be a guardian to Jake as he grows, watching over him and helping him to become the best he can.

We love our angel boy and we can't wait to see him again in heaven.

21 comments :

  1. Prayers for you and your family Britney. I'm so sorry for your loss. Xoxo

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  2. I'm so sorry. You are one strong chica Britney! Thank you for sharing.

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear this, you are in my prayers.

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  4. Thank you for sharing! Your strength is inspiring even if you don't feel super strong. Your right he is your familie's little angle. I'm sure he is much closer than you think. It's nice I know he is in heaven with Heavenly Father, perfect and happy...no worries. Sharing your experiences is already helping other people, thanks again. Sending love your way!!

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  5. I know nothing can take away the pain of the loss of your precious boy. Take comfort in knowing that he is in heaven and you will be together again one day. That little guy was more loved and cherished in his short life than anyone could ever ask for. Praying for you and your family.

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  6. Praying for you. I thank God for your faith and your courage to share your story. I'm so glad you'll get to hold him again in heaven and that you know Jesus is holding him until then for you. But, I pray for your pain, your loss, and I'm sending all the love I possibly can through this screen!

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  7. I'm speechless. Thank you for sharing your loss. Take care.

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  8. hi i am so sorry to hear this. i started following you after i had my baby. i was excited to see your tranformation and wished i had the will power to do what you did after you had a baby. i looked at your transformatiuon photos regularly and really enjoyed reading your blogs. i was a borderline stalker

    i was so excited to hear that you were pregnant again as i had just also found out that i was pregnant and promised myself that togethter we were going to have a healthy pregnancy without flabby arms.

    it breaks my heart to read your story today. God has a plan for all of us. He knows why He has chosen this for you and this will only make you stronger. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. love your little man that is still with you. dont forget about him. Know that your little angel up in heaven will always be looking down on you and protecting you and your family.

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  9. Wow. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. We were told that my daughter would have Trisomy 18, and the pain from that is unbearable. I am sending so much love your way. Rest in the thought of peace in your baby! I am sending so many prayers your way. My momma heart hurts for you. Thanks for sharing this tough moment. I know it wasn't easy.

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  10. I just stumbled across your blog via Pinterest...and I don't comment very often on the blogs I follow, but I just have to say that this post is heartbreaking, yet you approached it with such grace, dignity, and faith. Many thoughts and prayers to you. I enjoy your blog.

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  11. I found your blog via Pinterest.
    I commend your strength and willingness to share your heartbreak. I believe that you and your husband will be an inspiration to others finding good in things, even in heartaches.
    God be with you at this time.

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  12. I just came across your blog, and I am so sorry for you loss. You post was so well written and strong, I couldn't stop reading even after the tears starting streaming down my face. A close friend gave birth to a child with Trisomy 18 last year who survived for 5 days, it was devastating. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. Thank you for being brave enough to share, it will help many people.

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  13. My heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Prayers for you and yours. As a mommy of 2 boys I can't imagine losing either of them. You are truly a remarkable and strong woman. God has an even greater plan for you. Just wait and see!

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  14. sorry for your loss, :'(

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  15. Britney... I am crushed. I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss, but merely saying sorry won't change the events that have happened. My heart breaks for you and you and your family struggle to gain some peace and understanding from this. I am thinking of you, dear friend.

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  16. You are not alone,you are so brave brittany munday. You are so strong for typing up this blog post. I hate that this happened to you, I hate that this happened to us. I had a miscarriage at when i was 8 weeks, one of the saddest days of my life. I've never told anyone except my husband.

    May God bless you May this blog bless you


    Thank you sharing your story

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  17. I know you don't know me Personally or at all for that matter but you have touched me. Just sharing this with your followers is amazingly strong. I have a feeling your LDS I am too. Priesthood Blessings are wonderful and comforting. I am so happy you share the same feeling you will see your baby boy again someday. He will forever be apart of you. Keep your faith and always stay close to heavenly father he will never leave you astray. Families can be together forever through heavenly fathers plan I always want to be with my own family and the lord has shown me how I can the lord can show me how I can :)

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  18. Brand new to your blog, but this post gripped my heart. Prayers for strength and comfort for you and your family in the days ahead.

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  19. God bless you and your family.

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  20. I'm not sure how I stumbled across your blog tonight but it wasn't a coincidence.
    I recently had my second eptopic pregnancy. After months of bleeding I cant seem to physically or mentally move on quite yet.
    You were right- your writing has helped many, including myself. My name is also Brittany. I keep finding these signs, these beautiful signals that I am exactly where I need to be. I was meant to read your blog tonight for a little comfort, as I also struggle in wanting a sibling for my daughter, now two years old.
    I hope the best for you and your family. I know one day soon we will both be holding our healthy babies.
    I'll be putting you in my blog feed for updates :)
    I plan to have the procedure you mentioned, similar to a dye test or X-ray of the uterus and ovaries to make sure I don't experience another eptopic.
    There's nothing right to say, nothing comforting, but you're not alone and you're journey has helped mine.
    Sincerely,
    Brittany

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  21. Thank you for so bravely sharing ya'll's story! You will be a blessing and make a huge impact on many people's lives!

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